No longer conforming to standards

I long held a belief that everything must be measured, considered and weighed up before anything is done about it.

Yet even then, I may well talk myself out of it for fear of getting it wrong, for fear of stuffing up the decision, for fear of making an idiot of myself.

There was a fear for being judged, heavily, for what decision I may make and that's why my decisions had to all be perfect, they had to be exact because otherwise, I'd be subjected to judgement and criticism.

At least, that's the belief my ego held

And so, by aligning myself with someone else's version of 'right' or 'wrong', I was conforming with the 'rules of the tribe'. This ensured I felt accepted, giving me a sense of safety and security.

I then came to identify myself, in part, as someone who made 'sensible' or 'intelligent' decisions. Not a bad thing, and something close to my true nature but the issue was in what drove my Ego to identify this way. To avoid facing the fear of feeling stupid, silly or inferior when I didn't get it 'right'.

I was always aiming to lift my standards, good enough was never enough and there was constant internal pressure to improve.

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But I came to realise these standards were false and unattainable because they were cultivated within me, based on feelings of inferiority in other people.

It was all their own beliefs and negative inner dialogue that I'd simply taken on as gospel.

I believed they were right.

I believed they knew better, and I had more learning to do.

At one point in my life, I could see the opinions of others were no longer audible in my life but the inner dialogue about conforming to imagined standards or beliefs about what I should be doing, was already created, implanted.

It was running riot and it became quite suffocating.

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Getting beyond this part of my Ego, was tough.

Having identified with being sensible and always working to improve, any alternative was like being stranded in a wasteland, alone.

And isolation creates a chasm between the safety of a familiar identity and the fear of rejection, creating a feeling of fear!

But that is the working of the Ego. Separated, afraid and always seeking reassurance or acceptance in the outside world. Always vigilant to what should be avoided or retained.

It will hold you in a belief that it's more important to 'belong' even if the methods are in opposition to your true nature.

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Becoming detached, or no longer gripped, by the mind's identification with certain opinions or beliefs however is not something to be feared.

Instead, it brings you into alignment with your inner being/your true self. A power beyond reproach, infinite and surpasses all notions of control the egoic mind would have you follow, unquestioned.

It is where true freedom exists, the ultimate guidance system from within that's much deeper than the voice in your head or the autonomous patterns you have been living by.

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By the word of many that creates a conditioned mind, I have been restrained, never truly feeling free.

This is not something I hold against anyone, it's merely an observation of what beliefs had to be released from within me.

Beliefs that I adopted by virtue of others helping shape my personality.

Beliefs however that saw those 'others' live a restrained and fearful life.

I've come to know my path however is to discover truth from within and the power that exists there, to move, to grow, to experience life fully, well beyond the ego.

I am thankful for my experiences, I am thankful for my having seen the errs in those limited ways and I am thankful to be free of any grievances or grudges.

I am thankful to have been awaken to a conscious connection with my inner being, defining what is now an incredible existence.